So I got a job yea.

And then I quit that job.
I was really enthusiastic about finally getting a job, and I WANTED to work there yet the boss talked to me twice about various things, none of it concerning my behavior amazingly, and that sent up red flags in my mind.

A lot of thought went into why I quit, but in the end knew I could do better. I'm not going to go into the real pushing factor but lets just say I am all that is left of my mothers legacy and even though I dont appreciate myself and say that the world and biological family wont miss me when I'm gone; I do know the man I am going to marry and his family WILL miss me.

I am Engaged.
I didn't honestly want to tell the world since they will see that I managed to find some sort of happiness and not realize my real problems. But being in love and having a future with someone is NOT enough for me.
I feel so lost - I have an associates, 7 credits away from a batchlors and I know I wont complete it since although I love art; its not a world I want to make my major income in.

I should have thought more carefully about what fields were expanding and had a steady need for jobs rather than listing to what my mother thought.
I dont know what I want but I am totally fine with living in a job that is boring and somewhat monotonous as long as I am promised I will have that job and more than a meager 3% (barely .25 cents) raise every YEAR (besides benefits) and I can have more than 2 sick days a year. That sounds like a lot, but if you think about it- if you worked for a higher education, its not.
Even retail workers get paid time off after 6 months or so!

So I spilled maybe a little more, and you can guess at why I quit.

But this journal is about 'release' right?
I still feel tight in my heart area and choked over the lack of job and the lack of self worth.

My biological family didn't even think I had a associates and argued over it!
How disgusting is that?
But then they don't talk to me nor do they seem to want me in the family since my mother is gone, that is the overall feeling I get. I know they have their own lives and children but I see my fiancee's family so caring and they actually talk to their nephew's and nieces and great nephews and nieces - that makes me jealous and even a little angry.

I would like somehow to be interested in my cousin's lives. I have not figured out how to do that since we barely meet.

It is the same with friendships. I cannot get past superficial friendships where people rely on me or I can rely on them for support. I have given up on a lot of people BUT there is two people who I am going to try and be more involved with.

Maybe someday I'll get lucky and get the responses from people that I want. But I dont see that happening since all People see is how I dont have a job, how I didnt finish college and how I refuse to conform to their way of thinking(meanwhile Im still not doing what I want). Some people even think that because I grew up with parents in a suburban setting that I was blessed. If I grew up in a ghetto without parents I think my mentality would finally match my personal history.

I guess working retail didn't help me enough on figuring out how to connect with people and talk.